Its been a while

I havent been in the blogging mood for a long while. I usually end up telling everyone on facebook what im up to daily, so really no need to blog about it. Especially since i dont think anyone reads this anyways. = )

I decided to get back on here and get some things off my chest and out of my head. Nothing that i really want plastered on my FB, but i just need to vent I guess.

I went for a job interview the other day. I am really hoping and praying that I get the job. I hate the thought of not being home with my boys, but it will be in the best interest for me and them. You see, Matt and I are still not right. There is no love in our marriage anymore. We act like friends that live together and co-parent the boys. Welll what you might call co-parenting. A lot of my issues with Matt have to do with his ways with our children. We also dont have much in common anymore. Seems like we disagree on so much, from religion to politics, adoption, friends, family. You name it and he feels the complete opposite that i do. Im not very big into politics and neither is he, so thats not a biggie really, but religion is something that hurts my heart when we dont see eye to eye. I know we are not going to see the same on everything, but when I believe in God and Heaven and Hell and he doesnt...that bothers me. Then adoption....Ive always thought in my mind that I would love to adopt a child at some point in my life. Matt opposes...He "does not want to raise someone elses problem". I feel terrible for children that dont have a family or someone to love them and it breaks my heart. Then today I received a graduation invite from one of his cousins. I told him that we would have to get a present or at least a gift card and send since we cant be there, etc. He asked why...and I said b/c its your family and its what you do. Then he begins on this rant of they never did anything for him, so why should he. I hate the way he thinks. It really pisses me off. Even to think about it. How can someone be so cynical? Dont even get me started on what he says about deploying again. For whatever reason we have had conversations in the past and recently about age and and death. I, of course, want to live until im like 150..lol He says he will be happy to make it to 50. That he thinks his next deployment is going to get him. That he wont make it back. How horrible is that to think?!? I ignore him when he talks like that. What am i supposed to say?

Anyways, so all of that combined really just bothers me. I am to the point of just not liking him as a person. Why do I want to be with someone that has such a negative outlook on life. He stays pissed off now b/c of the dogs. Delilah, the puppy is not housetrained. Its been a big struggle, she pees and poops wherever, whenever. So he gets mad at her. Then along comes Smokey, who is 6 years old and housetrained and a good dog, but now is marking and peeing where Delilah does. So thats another reason he is pissy all day long. I got mad at him today for being ugly to Delilah....that is the reason i decided to blog. Its all starting to add up.

Let me vent about his days off work. He is on block leave, which is like 2 weeks of vacation for him. He has spent most of it downstairs in the basement. Thats where his area of the house is. He has a bedroom, livingroom and bathroom down there. His xbox, big tv, and computer are all down there too. So he spends 95% of his time down there playing games, watching tv/movies and the like. The boys go down there some, but they for the most part spend it upstairs. He may come up every now and again to the kitchen. I truly believe that if there was a kitchen down there, we would NEVER see him. Its like we live in two different houses.

Since the beginning of our marriage we have had trouble sleeping in the same bed. It all started out okay...Matt snores terribly and would keep me awake all night, therefore I would constantly wake him to roll him over and move him in hopes he would quit snoring. So for the best interest of us both we decided to sleep in different beds. It has worked out for the most part. Every now and then we will try to sleep together and see if it works, but we are more comfortable apart. Then our marriage started going downhill and it made sense that we didnt sleep in the same bed. Now I have the master bedroom, bathroom and closet all to myself. He uses the downstairs for his own living. I really hate that my marriage has come to that. I want to be in a loving, happy marriage. Its just not working with him. I want to share a bed with my husband and feel like Im loved. Ive gotten to the point that I dont wear my wedding set anymore, we dont say we love each other anymore, and TMI.........................................we dont have sex anymore. I think we have had sex twice in the last year. We dont kiss each other, rarely hug. Its sad really....I know. I want normal back in my life. I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

what would make me happy you ask? Being around my family and being with someone that feels the way I do. Im hoping to get this job so that I can pay for my bills and honestly....move out. Right now, neither one of us can afford to get divorced. With the house, utilities, car and truck payments, and a couple of credit cards. It would take all i could make to live and support the boys, and then he would have to pay child support on top of trying to live on his own. It just wouldnt cut it.

I guess thats that for now. Ive ranted enough. I may add later that is bugging me that Ive forgotten at the moment.

Back to the drawing board

Last night wasnt the most fun of nights. Matt and I have an issue of communication. Together in the house, we basically do our own thing and take care of the boys semi-together. I usually deal with the boys more while Matt does what he wants. So, Ive mentioned earlier about the pornography I found on his computer. Well its an...every-time-i-leave issue now. I still havent said anything. I wanted to see if it was an isolated event. Its not, he now has about 10 or so websites saved on his computer. I have personal issues with porn. To each their own, but my marriage is not about that. We have talked about it before and he knows how i feel about it. So this isnt something that i feel thats just out of the blue. But back to last night. I was looking at some school stuff online and had facebook open. Matt was right near me and he noticed that I got a message from someone on facebook. He asked who i was talking to...so i asked him if he remember such and such. He said yeah....and I said he messaged me to see how I was doing. This was a guy that i "dated" in middle school. if you can even call it that. I havent talked to him since then. Happened that we had friends in common on facebook, so i messaged him and said long time no see...how have you been? This was days ago. He finally messaged me back last night and apoloigized for not writing back sooner and asked how i was. I told him that I lived in Missouri now, married and have two little boys. He told me about his wife and two little girls. We talked about Matt a lot and his career in the Army. then i had to go to get the boys ready for bed. When i told Matt who i was talking to, I told him what all we were talking about and he made the comment..."You arent going to start texting him are you?" I said, "No way, why would you even ask that?" He says because I did it last time that he doesnt want me to do it again. Now I know Im at fault for what he is talking about last time. But that was with one certain person. Not just every guy i know. Theres a difference. a big one. Well that comment ticked me off. I went to bed angry. Told him about it. He half apologized to me. If you can even call it an apology and he ended up falling asleep during the convo which ticked me off even more. I havent talked to him since. I dont know where all of this is headed now.

blah blah blah

I haven't really had much to blog about lately. Everything has kind of been at a stand still from when I last posted. Matt still doesnt know anything about his job. The Army likes to do things on their own time. So its a waiting game. Really is a bummer when it comes to "my" life. School is on hold until we know where we are going and what we are doing. We dont know if we are getting our house ready to sell or rent...or hanging out in it for a little while longer. On another note, Matt should be here for all of the doctors appointments we have lined up for the next coming months.

To start with...Cohen was born with a birth defect called Hypospadias. I think ive mentioned it before in my blog...but i cant remember off the top of my head. Anyways, quickly it is a birth defect of the penis. Typical the hole is at the tip of the penis and Cohens is slightly off a bit. Not too serious...seeing that sometimes it more extreme cases it can be on the underside of the penis. He looks like he was half circumcized at birth, but he was just born that way. He will have to have this surgically corrected. So after moving and moving...we think we are finally settled to have this surgery done. I finally got his referral info in the mail from our insurance to see a specialist. The thing with doctors and insurance they dont pay attention to little details. Cohen is a child...he needs to see a PEDIATRIC Urologist. They always want to send us to a regular one, and they dont mess with children. So i called the doctor they set us up with yesterday...gave them all of our information for her to then ask what he was being seen for. When i said Hypospadias, she said Im sorry we dont deal with those. Okay, off to the Tricare website to find my own doctor. I was having a hard time finding Pediatric specialist in the area. So i got to thinking about the Childrens Hospital in St. Louis. I googled them and found the names of doctors that worked there and their specialities. I found a couple of Pediatric Urologist and noticed they accepted Tricare. Went back to the tricare website and checked to see if their names were on the list. They were! So I called to see if they were accepting new patients and got all of that set up. Cohen has a doctors appointment on April 7th in St Louis. Its about 2 or so hours away, but he will be getting some of the best medical care and thats whats important to me. His doctor was voted one of the best doctors in america in the st louis times in 2009 and is one of 150 doctors in the US to have his certification. So that makes me very happy.

Then there is me and my doctors appointments. Cohens of course are way more important to me, but I have a doctors appointment on May 11th for a consult with a plastic surgeon to see if i am a good candidate for a breast reduction. A little background...I dont even remember when I first started wearing a bra. I swear I was born wearing one...lol. The smallest I can ever remember being was middle/high school wearing a 32DD bra. I was pretty consistent of wearing the same size up until I was an adult and got pregnant. I was dreading the whole pregnancy and big breasts. I gained a total of 50 lbs with Cohen and I think half of the weight went to my boobs. After Cohen was born I was wearing around a 34F. Letters I didnt even know existed in bra sizes. They never went down. I never breastfed either. So after 6 months I contemplated getting a breast reduction then. I talked to a doctor in Germany and a plastic surgeon there and was going to go thru with the process but decided to wait b/c we were thinking we wanted to have 1 more baby sometime in the future. So we went ahead and started trying to have another. Not too long after, I was pregnant with Connor. Gained another 50 lbs with that pregnancy. And again, more weight to the boobs that wasnt going anywhere anytime soon. After Connor was born I was wearing a 34G or so bra. I started losing weight and trying to get back down to my pre-pregnancy size. And i eventually did. I now weigh what I did when i was in high school and before either pregnancy. I am back to wearing a 32DD/E bra. But b/c of a lot of weight loss in my breasts, I have a ton of extra skin that makes up a lot of the reason why i wear a bigger bra. I HATE the way they look. My shoulders kill be along with the upper back and neck area. Clothes dont fit...I have to pay so much more to order bras, b/c you just cant buy things in this size at a typical store. I would happily like to be a large 32B or a small 32C. would make me a very happy girl. So i get to talk to a plastic surgeon in May to see if I qualify by insurance standards for a reduction.

Thats really all thats been going on lately. I dont live the most exciting life. = )

What!?! Germany!?!

Hello all. I havent written in a few days or so. Nothing exciting has really been going on. Same ol' stuff. Hanging around the house. Connor had his two year check up the other day. I really need to find the boys a good pediatrician around here. Right now they go to the base hospital/clinic. Thats who we were assigned when we moved here, its a family practice clinic. Well I dont like them. Most of them are PA's...and while I dont have a problem with that. These are little children who really should see someone with more experience with kids and someone they can build a relationship with. We never know which doc we might see when we go in. Anyways, So Connor is a few months late on his 2 year check up, which is no biggie. But he weighs in at 28.9 lbs. He's in the 49th percentile for his age. He is 37 inches tall now, which is around the 87th percentile for his age. Hes going to be tall and skinny. Completely different that his big brother. Cohen is 3 years and 9 months and he had a doctors appointment last week and while they were there, I asked them to check his height and weight. He is 50 lbs and thats about 95th-97th percentile for his age and he is 42 inches tall which runs the same 97th percentile. These percentages mean that they are bigger than that amount of children their age. Cohen has always been bigger than most kids his age. So thats, that. Both boys are healthy. Connor did leave the doc with some antibiotics for an ear infection he was starting to get. We didnt even know about it. He seems to be acting normal, just gets to take meds a couple of times a day.

Okay...Here is some important stuff. Matt and I have been discussing my schooling, his schooling, and everything in between. A little background info. We moved to Missouri for Matt to be a Drill SGT from Germany. We have been here a little over a year now. He was supposed to go to Drill school about 4 or so months after we got here, in the mean time he would be "turtling". Sorta like job shadowing. Well his date was cancelled and rescheduled for a later time. No biggie. He went to school in South Carolina and was there a few days, but didnt pass the PT test. Its so many sit ups, push ups, and a run. Well he missed the sit ups by like 4. So they sent him home. Well he has been here since then. He finally has a new date coming up in April. So this whole year he has been turtling and his drill time hasnt started. Once he goes to school, he has to be a drill for at least 2 years. Well for whatever reason, the Army says he is kind of wasting time here, so they are looking at moving him back to his Infantry job. So yesterday, I am completing my school application and filling out essay questions when Matt gets home from work....He asks what I am doing and I tell him. He asked if I could go to nursing school anywhere, or is that program just here. I said well I could go anywhere, but this certain program is just at this school. There are nursing programs everywhere though. He said he was talking to one of the guys and trying to get info, but his school date is probably getting cancelled in April and they will be moving us to a different base. Okay, so this is information I NEED to know. Im not about to shell out 145.00 for an application fee and testing fee if Im not attending. He said he would find out more when he goes back to work. Well today, he just sent me a text and asked how i felt about going back to Germany....and if I would go with him back. Thats a huge decision for me...and him. They have an open slot for him available if he wants it in Baumholder, Germany. We would probably leave around September or so. I just am soooo torn now. I have A LOT to think about. Wow, I was not expecting to ever go back overseas again. Its so amazing there, and I love it there. But its soo far from home. Ive never been to Baumholder. I know a little about it. I know they deploy a lot. So thats something else I need to think about. I do not want to be in Germany for a year or so when I could be home. And trying to fly home to see family with two boys and two dogs will just about be impossible by myself. UGH!! I just dont know.

Finished Bathroom...

Here are some pictures of the finished bathroom...Minus some wall decor. That will take me a little while to find pieces that I like and want to hang. I also have some candles that go around the tub, I just want different holders for them. I took these pics with my cell phone, so they arent the best quality. And I promise that the color looks so much better in person. I may try and use my digital camera and see if they take any better pics. we'll see.

Nosey Rosey

So that would be me...Nosey Rosey. I briefly posted about my marriage issues throughout the 5 years of my marriage. Ive always been kind of snoopy on Matts computer. He knows this. The first couple of years it was pretty bad. But i was finding stuff that really upset me so it gave me reason to keep checking up on him. I would tell him everytime i found something. Im not a very confontrational person...but in this case I was. Well we were doing better I guess. Or i just gave up looking...whichever you want to call it. I still had concerns he was still talking to people online and looking at pornography...which is where this blog is headed. He started deleting all of his history and such, so I couldnt find anything. I stopped looking for a long while. Well recently with our current divorce situation and all of that, i decided to look again. I found out he is back to looking at pornography or he never stopped and i just havent seen it. He does it before work while Im asleep and when Im not home. Thats been the most times ive seen it, when im not home. Ive had several doctors appointments recently where he has been home during the day from work, watching the boys and thats when hes online looking at porn. I dont know how to feel about that. Part of me cares, and part of me doesnt. The part that cares, is really only caring because he is looking at naked women while our boys are around and bc we are still married. He knows how i feel about it. Im definitely not a prude, I just think there is a time and a place for everything including porn. I havent said anything to him about it yet. Dont know if I will. And that brings me to the part of me that doesnt care. I dont know if i even care enough to say anything about it. I feel like it wont do any good except make him more aware that im checking up on him and he'll hide it better. My feelings are worn out and running thin. Its almost a giving up point again. I know a lot of people will disagree with my checking up but thats not a debate i want to make. It is what it is and I just need to figure out what I want to do with it.

Master Bathroom

So i started redoing my master bathroom. There wasnt anything wrong with it to begin with. The house is only 6 months old. But...builder grade material is really crappy and I hated they used cheap paint, especially in the bathroom where there is lots of moisture. I decided to paint the walls a brown color. Its called Pine Bark. With the cabinets and flooring i thought it might be too dark...but i love it now that its completely painted. I will post pics of it probably tomorrow after I get it all cleaned up and reorganized. I am using green and cream/yellow accents. I painted a white bathroom cabinet a creamy yellow color...i think its called Riesling. I have some green candles to put up and looking for some other accents to go in there. I have also found some light bamboo shades to go in the window. But right now Lowes is out of the size we need. I think its really going to turn out the way i have it pictured...at least i hope so! : )

I havent decided what room to start on next. Honestly, I dont really want to put a whole lot of money and effort into the house that we arent going to be living in forever....I know it will help in resale. But if you guys only knew the trouble we have had out of a 6 month old house youd be shocked. The builder/contractor here is something else. I would never tell anyone to use him...had we known about him and how he builds, we would have never bought this house. but what can ya do now? We are making a list of all the things that are wrong with the house and emailing it to the builder before our year homeowner warranty is out. per his request of everyone in the subdivision. Matt wants to go around and talk to our other neighbors to see if they are having issues like we are. We know a couple of them are...they were very open to us when we moved in that they were having problems. So we will see what happens.

If anything we will end up painting everything back to the original color we picked out...i think its called Pavillion Beige, just in a better paint.

Miss you

I just want to write about something that Ive been meaning to since the 20th of February. February 20th was my Uncle Pauls birthday. He passed away a few years ago. This man was one of the greatest men on this earth. I cant sing his praises enough. He was diagnosed with Prostate and Bone cancer around 2004-2005. I dont know the exact date, but he looked and seemed fine at my wedding, which was October of 2004. He was even the photographer at it. I saw him again at Christmas and still looked like nothing was wrong. I moved out of state after I got married, so I didnt see him like I used to. Not that we saw each other a lot, since him and my aunt live about 3 hrs away. Anyways, I saw him whenever I came back to GA from TX...which was quite a few times the year of 2005. We then found out he was sick. He was in and out of the hospital and I had come home specifically to see him in the hospital. Well the last time I saw him was in January of 2006. He was so very sick. And so was I. I found out I was pregnant with Cohen. I was about 15 or 16 weeks pregnant and had some awful hemorrhoids. It wasnt the greatest visit for either of us. But I had to see him before i moved away. We moved to Germany about a week or so later. I talked to him online some while we were there. My birthday is February 19th and his is the 20th. So i called him on his birthday and wished him a great one, even though i knew it wasnt going to be so great. He sounded so bad but I was glad that i got to talk to him for a few. That was the last time i got to talk to him before he passed away. It was about a month later i suppose that he passed away. I was late in my pregnancy when my mom called to tell me. She asked to speak to Matt, which she never does. So i just knew. I was stuck in Germany for his funeral...so i couldnt be there. Man, I miss him so much.

I think about him often. Wish he was here to meet Cohen and Connor. I know he would love them to pieces. The years have passed. I have pictures of him in the house. Most of them arent framed. This brings me to what happened this February 20th. We were getting ready to go to Branson for the day and we were down in the basement getting things ready to put in the car that was in the garage.....Cohen was being nosey in the sideboard and called me over to show me a picture. He said "mommy who is that with you?" I looked at the picture and it was a graduation picture of me and my uncle paul together. I havent seen that picture in years. I dont even know how or why it was in the sideboard. It, i thought, was supposed to be in the box of pictures i have in the garage. Of course, I told him that that was his great uncle paul and that apparently he was looking down on us that day. It was just so weird that it was his birthday and we found that picture. I cant say that i do or dont believe in angels and that sort of thing. But he was definitely there today and showing his presence.

I love you and miss you dearly....can hardly wait to see you again. : )

Doctor, Doctor...give me the news

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up before my alarm went off. I had it set for 7am, to get up and get ready for Cohens doctors appointment. I ended up waking up about 630 and tried laying there for 30 minutes, I stayed about 15 and had to get out of bed. I went ahead and got myself all together while the boys were still sleeping. Normally they get up about 730. This morning of all mornings that I had to get up early, they sleep in. I had to go wake them up at 830 so we could leave at 9am. I would have totally enjoyed sleeping until 830-9. But none the less, I was already up and starting my day.



We left the house at 9 for Cohens 940 appointment. I had to stop by Matt's work and drop Connor off. Then we headed over to the hospital for Cohen's appointment. They were on the ball today...we had enough time to check in, Cohen had to run to the potty, and they were calling us back as we walked out of the bathroom. They checked his weight and height. He is right at 50 lbs and 42 inches tall. Hes going to be a big boy. He is in like the 100th percentile for both height and weight. He did so well getting his BP checked and his temp. Heres a little TMI, so stop reading if you arent interested. The doc finally came in and checked out his penis (thats the reason for the visit). Cohen was born with a birth defect called Hypospadias. Its where the hole of the penis is not quite at the tip. His isnt really bad, its actually not very noticable. Instead of being right at the tip, its like a dot below that. Along with that, he has some chordee, which is a slight curvature and he was born with foreskin only on the top part of his penis. So really he looks like he was half circumsized. We were supposed to get this done when he was around a year old...we are just now finally settled enough to get it done. We've talked to doctors about it before, so i know a little about what is going to happen, plus ive looked it up quite a bit online. Its nothing that will effect his health but its something that could effect his self esteem one day in the future. So we have to see a Pediatric Urologist to get the process started. Today we went to our primary care doc to get a referral to see the Ped Urologist. Hopefully we will hear something next week. When we do, we will call and make that appointment and hope that its not months away.

After we left the doctor and picked Connor back up we headed home. I made a pit stop at the school and picked up an application for their nursing program. We headed home for a little bit. Had some lunch and got things ready to go to Lowes and Walmart. Ended up buying a paint sample at Lowes and looked at some shades for the bathroom window. The master bath is going to be the first paint project. I also bought a cabinet/shelf for the bathroom. Its white, so ill end up painting it to match the accent color I have picked out for the bathroom. Connor fell asleep on the way home...so i brought him in the house and laid him down for a nap. Cohen and I decided to go outside for a while since it was a BEAUTIFUL day today. It was almost 60 degrees out. I cleaned out my car while Cohen rode his 4 wheeler around the yard. Connor woke up after about an hour and came outside to join us...Cohen on his 4 wheeler and Connor riding on his truck power wheel. We then decided to take Smokey and Delilah for a walk. Bad, bad idea. Smokey was pulling me one way, Delilah was pulling the other. She hasnt quite learned how to walk on a lease yet, so she was going goofy, in all different directions. We made it a quick walk and then came inside. I settled the boys down with their new favorite cartoon, Tom and Jerry and i started a little painting of the bathroom to get some ideas on how i liked the color. Im not sure yet, if i like it or not. After Matt got home from work, i went back to Lowes and picked up a gallon of the color i picked out. Tomorrow I am going to paint the bathroom the Pine Bark color and see how i like it. If i dont like it, then i guess itll be off to Lowes again and finding a new color. : ) So that brings me to now. We relaxed around the house and then got the boys in bed. Im blogging about my days events and Matt is sound asleep.

To be...or not to be...

I am 27 years old and still dont know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. Growing up I never really had my dreams on one certain thing. I do know that I've always wanted to do something in the medical field or at least helping people. After high school I started the college thing, then I got married and moved out of state. I was planning on returning to school, but life just got in the way. So it was put off and put off. I lived in Germany for three years and while there are educational opportunities, there arent a whole lot. Plus travelling and two children later, I still didnt return. Now, Im settled back in the states and after having marital issues and realizing I could be on my own. Ive seen life differently. I have two children to possibly take care of on my own for the most part and I dont want to have to struggle. While I am working on my marriage...I still want to be prepared for the worst. So that brings to me to where I am now. I have been taking some college classes online and I started Medical Transcription, but soon found out that listening to people talk and me trying to understand them is not what I want to do. So i finished the Advanced Medical Terminology of that course and switched over to Medical Billing. So far, so good. Its definitely trying on the brain. A lot of reading about some stuff thats not that interesting, but at least its doable. As I've been working on this...I've been looking online at job opportunites to see if this is a marketable skill to have. It apparently is one of the growing jobs in the US right now. Honestly, I dont see it. Ive searched and searched and the jobs just arent out there. I will continue and get my certificate in it, but i still feel empty.

I was looking online at nursing programs in the area. Thats always been in the back of my mind as to something I would be interested in doing. So I think, well Im actually pretty positive that I am going to apply to the LPN program the school district here offers. Its an 11 month program that starts in August. Its full time, so i would have to put the boys in daycare or find them a babysitter for that. But i think it will be good for us all. I have been a SAHM/W for over 5 years now and honestly its getting to me. I love my family but I want to do something for myself. The boys have never been to daycare or a babysitter in their life, so I think this will be something good for them as well. I have a long list of things to do before I could possibly be accepted into the program. I think they only take like 36 per year. I have to fill out an application along will a 100.00 application and background check fee. I need 4 recommendations, my high school and college transcripts, answer a butt load of essay questions, and take a pre entrance exam. Thats the beginning. If I pass the entrance exam, I will go on to a selection committee and be "interviewed" and take another entrance type test. All of this has to be done by June. I have filled out the application and got my recommendations all figured out and ready to mail the forms out. I also bought a book at Barnes and Noble the other day to study up on the pre entrance exam. Its been quite a few years since Ive taken any major tests, so i want to be as prepared as possible. My next step is to find a babysitter for the boys....

Hump Day

Today is Wednesday. The last few days have been a little distraught. Cohen hasnt been feeling very well. He has been having some stomach issues of Diarrhea and Vomiting...along with a little but of a runny nose and a cough. He started the diarrhea about 4 or so days ago. I didnt seem to concerned...sometimes you get it, right?! So i continued to watch him, make sure he was drinking enough water...and he has been. Well about the 3rd day of it, he started vomiting as well. So i was getting a little worried that he would dehydrate and that wouldnt be a good thing.

Yesterday I made Cohen a doctors appointment to have him checked out. I really get so annoyed sometimes with doctors these days. We pay so much money for these visits(well insurance does anyways), but none the less people are paying to get medical treatment and answers. I take him to a doctor we have been seen before b/c his pcm doesnt have any available appointments and i didnt want to sit at the ER with him for something that isnt technically an emergency. So, the doc comes in...asks whats going on. I tell her, she listens to his chest, pokes around on his belly and asked him if it hurt and he said yes. So she tells me she is writing me a prescription for an antibiotic to hopefully clear up anything he has going on in his intestinal tract and it should clear up the cold/sinus stuff. She also gave him some meds for the nausea.

I gave him his first dose of medicine last night after we got home and I hope it will start working soon. Seems like everytime he goes to the bathroom he has diarrhea. I have done so many loads of laundry it isnt even funny washing underwear. He was up twice last night and many times today. For the most part he seems to be acting okay, a little tired...not eating like normal...but his activity level seems to be the same.

So that brings me to today...got up this morning made the sauce for the BBQ pulled pork and put it all in the crockpot and ready to go. (Thanks Lindsey for your recipe). it smells delicious!!! I started straightening up around the house some. Seems to be a never ending battle. Between toys, dishes and laundry my days are fun-filled. : )

I went back to the dentist today and gave them an arm and a leg for a tooth. hahaha. This makes my 3rd visit on this one tooth. I went for my first consultation to this dentist and had a cleaning done and xrays and all that jazz and while i was there the dentist found a tooth that needed a root canal. It hasnt been bothering me so i didnt know it was that serious. i havent been to the dentist in like 2 years...i know, i know...teeth are very important. I just really dislike the dentist. I always seem to have something wrong every time i go. So he asked if i wanted to start the root canal that day. So i did. He did the first step in the root canal and had me come back two days later to finish it up. So I went back last week to have the rest of it done. Today I went to have the post build up and the temporary crown put on and they made the mold for my permanent porcelain crown. I have to go back in two weeks to have the permanent one put on. Ill be so glad when this is all over. So for all of that with insurance...my portion was 415.00. I so could have used that money on something different. But you do what you have to do. My next step this year is to have another tooth worked on. Nothing serious this time. Its a back molar that had work done on it when i was kid and they put a cap on it. Apparently that cap was supposed to be temporary and replaced with something more permanent. Well Ive had what they call "temporary" for at least 15 years that i know of. Honestly, i dont even remember having it put on...so its been a long time. So that tooth will get something permanent put on it. Then i will be done with all of the corrections. And that should max out my insurance as well. They only pay up to 1200.00 a year on dental work. Next year I want to have have 4 veneers put on my front teeth and that will max out next years insurance. lol. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I plan on blogging in a bit about my education future...so stay tuned

Typical Monday

Its late afternoon on what I would say is a Typical Monday. The day started out great. The boys slept in until 8 this morning. It was nice to get an extra hour of sleep. They picked out a new movie at Best Buy yesterday so they wanted to watch it this morning. Both of them are obsessed with Dinosaurs these days. So of course thats the movie they picked out. They ate some cereal and had some grape juice while watching the movie. I took Smokey out to potty, got Delilah out of her kennel and took her out to potty. Everythings going smoothly. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and I got a little bit of internet time to check my email, FB and all that jazz. I have been debating on what we might do today...thinking about making a trip to Lowe's and checking out some paint samples. Need to make a quick stop by walmart and pick up a few things. So i decide to clean up the kitchen. Boys are playing with some cars in the floor so thats all working out well.

Then it seems to slowly start going downhill. Cohen has had some stomach issues the last couple of days. Had an accident...so i get him all cleaned up...clean underwear on..not ten minutes later. same thing again. After that, I start a load of laundry and fix us some sandwiches and left over mac and cheese from dinner last night for lunch. Ate lunch, let Delilah out for a potty break, go downstairs to take smokey out and realize Delilah had at some point gone downstairs and threw up. I get that all cleaned up and here I am sitting and blogging about all of this and Cohen just threw up in the living room. Geez. I feel like all ive done is clean up poop, pee, and throw up. The day is not even half way over. Both pups are pooped out and the boys are taking some quiet time to watch their dinosaur movie again.

Im going to try and jump in the shower and get ourselves dressed and head to the store. I think im going to start working on painting some of the rooms in the house in the near future. Im pretty sure the master bath is going to be first. I am repainting it back to the same color as it is now or maybe a shade darker. Its sort of like a mocha beige color. I really like it, but builder grade paint is the worst ever and it needs a fresh coat of color. Then im going to start working on painting the kitchen and dining and livingroom area. Havent decided on those colors. I would like to paint the kitchen and dining area one color and the living room another, but the rooms are all connected into one big great room. So ill have to figure out how to mesh the two colors on the one conjoining wall so its not a dramatic difference.

anyways, off to battle the rest of the day and hopefully its smooth sailing from here.

TGIF

TGIF...Doesnt really apply to me, but Ill say it anyways. Matt has crazy working hours. He goes in about 430 in the mornings and gets home around 730 or 8 at night. Monday thru Saturday. So he has one day of rest. Me on the other hand am at home most every day, running errands here and there. I still seem to like the weekends the best.

Today hasnt been much of an exciting day. Straightened up the house some. (that seems to be a never ending battle) I finally sat down and wrote out two postcards to send to PostSecret. Didnt think I had anything really that interesting to say, but sometimes theres something that you think that just itches to get out but you dont want to say it to anyone.

Im sitting here watching a movie. I believe its called Everybody's Fine. Hopefully it will be pretty good. Since I am home most of the day, I have tons of time to think. I dont want to get too deep into details about my marriage. But its the biggest thing on my brain everyday.

Here is a little back history. Matt and I have been been married almost 5 1/2 years. We were high school sweethearts...really even before that. We started "going out" when we were in the 8th grade. Dated most of high school. After high school, I went off to college and Matt joined the Army. We stayed close friends but dated other people. I was engaged to another guy and for whatever reason, Matt and I ended up getting back together. He was deployed to Iraq from 2003-2004. We technically were "talking" again, but I guess we were open to talking to other people. He was injured in April of 2004 and was sent back to the states to recover. I guess it was then that we made it official. He stayed home for about 45 days and went back to Iraq. He came home with his unit in September of 04 and we got married the end of October. I moved out to Texas to be with him in November and that pretty much started our relationship.

I guess we rushed into getting married and didnt give ourselves enough time to adjust to being in a relationship after him being deployed to a war zone. After being in Texas about 6 months I discovered that Matt was still acting like he was single and chatting with other females online and trying to meet up with them. I confronted him about this and thought things were straightened out. Another 6 months went by and I found out that the stuff still hadnt stopped, he had lied to me about it and changed his passwords on his emails and such. Again it was something that we tried to work thru. We were getting ready to move to Germany after all of this and I found out I was pregnant with Cohen. I just assumed things were getting better. I even figured moving out of the country would prevent him from "cheating". It isnt as easy I would say. Well I was definitely wrong. I was in the hospital after giving birth to Cohen. Matt would come and visit me during the day but would go home in the evenings. We lived about 30 minutes from the hospital. After the couple of days in the hospital I came home to find out that Matt was still doing the same stuff on the computer. Every time I confront him. This happened a couple of more times that I know of. After a while you just start giving up. We were getting along, but there was a lot of stuff missing. I know Im no angel and have a lot to do with our marital problems, but a lot stems from his behavior and attitude.

I tried to forgive and forget. Moved on. We've been in Germany a couple of years now I guess and I now Im having Connor and Matt is deploying to Afghanistan. I moved back to the states for 6 months to have some help with Cohen while I was pregnant and giving birth to Connor. Matt came back from deployment when Connor was 3 months old. Im sure the war has a lot to do with emotions and such. But Matt is very stubborn and has a lot of tendencies like his father. If you guys only knew. Time continues to go by and we do a lot of our own things. He does his, I do mine. I dont like his parenting style most of the time. He seems to think that our toddler boys are not little boys they are soldiers and he treats them like that. That they should have been born to know right from wrong and obey all orders. Thats definitely not the case in this house. So we do a lot of arguing over that. We put on our smiling faces and push thru.

We finally get orders back to the US after three years in Germany. Im very thankful to be back. We moved in Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. Its definitely not my favorite place. Nothing is better than home, but it will suffice. Matt is on Drill Sgt orders here, so we will be here about 2 or 3 years. We were renting a house when we first moved here and decided on buying a house. Our issues are still ongoing but i complain to my mom about it and continue to live this way. After about 5 or so months of living here. I was online one day and got an email from an old b/f. We chatted about our families and how its been forever. Well our conversations continued and they grew and grew. We were, or I should say, I was falling for him. He made me feel happy again. He just seemed to have popped up at the most perfect time and was saying all of the right things that i needed to hear and I was seeing my marriage in a different light. It wasnt something that I wanted to be in for the rest of my life. Why settle with someone when you can be happy. I was/am settling. I want to live this great life and be happy and have someone around that enjoys my company and my childrens company, instead of complaining all of the time about how bad the boys are. My "relationship" with this other guy lasted a few months. We slowed down on the talking and now its about non-existent. I want to say its a good thing, but I miss him terribly. Matt and I are on the verge of divorce. I had all things planned out and we had come to terms about everything and what was going to happen. We kind of put it off, since we were getting a long a little better, but i dont know now. Im really trying to make things work and be happy. But the truth is, inside Im still not happy with my marriage. We have had a long list of things go wrong for us. Not saying we didnt have good times. We did and still do, but i dont know if thats enough to keep us going. Another truth is, Im still in love with this other guy. He doesnt share the same feelings and that is totally fine. But it puts my marriage in perspective. If I can have feelings and love for another person, then what does that say about where I am now. I shouldnt be here. I should be sorting everything out. I have been looking at jobs back in GA and wanting to move back, but honestly I dont know that i can afford living on my own with the boys. I just wouldnt make enough money in this economy to support us and have them in daycare fulltime. Its a very hard decision. I do think that if the boys werent involved, then i would have been gone a long time ago.

So thats where I am now. Sorry to ramble so much...didnt realize it was going to turn into such a long story. But once i started, off it went. Maybe Ill have some epiphany and things will magically work out the way they need to. until next time, I hope I havent bored you to tears....

A little delay....

Its been a little while since Ive blogged. I seem to forget to get on here and then another day passes. I need to add a sticky note to my desk to remind myself to blog. Not that I have people reading and following my every day, but if there is anyone out that remotely interested then I should do it for them.

Let me think and recap on what has happened since my birthday. This may end up being quite long. February 19th was my 27th birthday and definitely didnt go like I wanted it to. I thought it was going to be so much better. I was just having a rough day...not because I was turning 27 or getting older...it all had to do with my husband. Not too many people know our marital problems and thats the way Id like to keep it. (for now anyways). but lets just say we have had some issues for some time now and I was definitely expecting more from him that he gave. He got me a card for my birthday. I just expected a least a birthday cake and would have liked a present, but i can live without. He said he was going to get me something, but couldnt find the perfume that i liked so i ended up with nothing. I pouted most of the day and kind of did my own thing and stayed a bit distant. Later is when I told him my feelings were hurt that he didnt even think that if he couldnt find what he thought i wanted, to just get something else. But I guess its the thought that counts right?! Try telling that to all the other females out there. : )

So the next day I tried to be happier. Its a new day and we decided to take the boys on a trip to Branson, MO. Its about a 2 hr drive down there. Got up early, got the boys baths and while we were giving baths. I was in the tub with Connor and Matt was taking a shower with Cohen our hot water decided it didnt want to be hot anymore. So we all had to rinse off with cold water. I just new after that, it was going to be a bad day. Turned out pretty good with two toddlers.

We made it to Branson and made our first stop at the Dinosaur Museum. Cohen had been talking about seeing the Dinosaurs since he went to bed the night before. The boys loved seeing all of the lifesize replicas of dinosaurs. Matt and I werent too impressed but its all for the boys, right?! So i tried to take some pictures of the boys with the dinos but my photography skills are just not the greatest and most of those pics inside the building turned out blurry. I am a much better photographer outside.

We finished up at the Dino Museum and started on our way to The Butterfly Palace. This is the place that I have been wanting to see. On our way Matt sees the General Lee parked outside of this Dixie Outfitters store. So of course we had to stop. You just dont know how much my family, the boys included LOVE The Dukes of Hazzard. Cohen calls the General Lee the Yee Haw car. lol : ) We pulled up to the car and there was a sign saying that we were allowed to take as many pictures as we liked as well as sit in the car and all...they just asked that we donate to the Arkansas Childrens Hospital. So of course thats what we did. Took lots of pictures and donated some money for the pictures. We went inside of the store to check it out and part of the store is owned by Ben Jones (Cooter). There were lots of memorabilia from his days on The Dukes of Hazzard along with shirts and stuff that he has made and is selling in this store and his other two stores in TN. We each had to buy something that was affliated to the show.

After spending a quality amount of time at the Dixie Outfitter/Cooter Garage store we finally headed out to The Butterfly Palace. Let me just say it was amazing. My favorite place. It was so tranquil and serene. You walk into this Atrium filled with lots of greenery, flowers and butterflies galore. The butterflies floated by your head, even landing on you at times. They were everywhere...hundreds of them. I would definitely go back. Whenever I win the lottery and can build my dream house I would love to build something like this.

The boys were getting a little cranky so we stopped for some lunch/dinner at the IHOP across the street from The Butterfly Palace. All you can eat pancakes makes for a happy Sarah and two happy little boys. After eating, we set out to the Veterans Museum. Matt could spend hours there. I had to rush him a little bit. While I find all of the history interesting and all, Im not engrossed in it like Matt is. He says we will definitely go back and see it again, probably this summer sometime.

Its getting late in the day so we made one final stop to the Shepard of the Hills Inspiration Tower. Its this huge tower that you can go to the top of and look out. We rode a glass elevator about 230 feet up to the top. It was quite cloudy so we couldnt see a great distance away, but the view was still spectacular. After spending some time there, we headed back to the homestead. By the time we got home it was bedtime for the boys and time for me to relax.

We spent the next day relaxing. I did some grocery shopping and cleaning around the house. Then on Monday I had a doctors appointment and a dentist appointment. My doctors appointment went okay. I just have to say I am not a fan of military doctors. For whatever reason I think their education levels are just not up to par. This is just from my personal experience with different docs over the course of 5 years and even in different country/states. But whatever, I went to get a referral to see a plastic surgeon about having a Breast Reduction. I started the process while I was in Germany in 2006/2007. I got as far as talking to the plastic surgeon and getting ready for a surgery date when I decided I wanted to wait. We were in the thought process of having another baby at that time. So we held off and not too long after I was pregnant with Connor. Now things have settled and we wont be having any more children anytime soon, if ever...I decided to get the process going again. Well I have to see my PCM and he has to refer me to a plastic surgeon. Well dlike all doctors they have to exhuast all other options before tricare will pay for surgery. So he put in a request to see if tricare will cover this surgery and i should hear something by friday. Im crossing my fingers. After all that, I headed over to the dentist office to have my first consultation with them. I had xrays, teeth cleaning and noticed that one of my back teeth needed a root canal. I knew this, just been putting it off. So he started the root canal on Monday and I went back on Wednesday to finish it up. I have to go next week to have the crown put on it and. I really wished we had better dental insurance. You would think that it would be since its military and the health insurance is pretty good. But nope, dental sucks. Im having to pay about 600 dollars out of pocket for this root canal.

I think ive caught everyone up on whats been going on. Today nothing exciting has been going on. Ill start a new blog soon. We are looking at repainting the interior of the house. starting with the kitchen/dining/living room area.

27 years old

Good morning! Today is my 27th birthday. Where did the years go? I cant believe I am on the verge of 30. Im not upset by this. I think these are going to be the best years of my life. I try to make each year a better year than the last. The year of 2010 I was going to do a 365 project (where you take a self portrait of yourself every day for a year). Well I kind of forgot to start, so what better day than to start...on my birthday and do one for the whole 27th year of my life. Ill add the picture to my blog everyday as well as the link to the actual project blog.

I've also decided that I should start exercising more. I know, I know. seems like its on everyones resolution list. Im going to buckle down on this. I was talking to Matt the other day about the PT standards for the Army. (no im not planning on joining). He trains new soldiers coming into the Army, so he sees them at their weakest and helps them work their way to the PT standards of push ups, sit ups and running. Well just out of curiousity I wanted to see how many push ups and sit ups I could do. I dont remember the exact number you have to do to pass the PT test, its like 50 or so of each, give or take 10 or so. Ill have to ask Matt again. But that all doest matter when you can only do like 15 push ups and 15 sit ups. I never really realized how out of shape I really am. I know, I may be skinny...but that doesnt mean Im healthy. Im not unhealthy, but definitely have a lot to work on. Matt also bought a treadmill recently so he can work out at home when the weather is bad and I can start on my cardio and build some endurance.

Hope everyone has a great day and Ill update some more later this evening when the day comes to an end.

Who is Sarah?

Who I am....

My name is Sarah and Im Plain and Tall. Plain sounds so boring, but its me and im no where near boring. I just mean that Im your average southern girl. I enjoy the simple things in life and am very traditional. Im a wife and a mother. Ive been married to Matt for a little over 5 years. We have two adorable little boys. Cohen is 3 1/2 years old and Connor is 2 years old. We also have two fur-babies. Smokey is a 6 year old Weimaraner and we just adopted Delilah, a 3 month old Weim.

I am from a small town in Georgia. But I currently reside in a small town in Missouri. Why you may ask, Matt is in the Army. Id like to thank the Army for sending us to every little nook and cranny in the world. So far we've lived in Texas, Germany, and now Missouri and thats been in the last 5 years. We should be in Missouri a couple of more years, then off to Timbuktu(or wherever the Army has in mind). But wherever I may live, my heart will always reside in Georgia.

I am a jack of all trades and a master of none. I have a love for many different things, like cooking, sewing, photography, reading, nature, traveling, volunteering, sports, being outdoors, spending time with family and friends, learning new things, meeting new people, and my country. Ill go into more details about these things as time goes on. These things are a part of who I am, so Im sure Ill be blogging about each and every one and will be adding some stuff that Ive forgotten to mention.

I am a full-time stay at home mom and a full-time college student. I jumped on the college bandwagon right after high school and did that for a few years. Life got involved and I married and moved out of state, sure I could have transfered schools, but I was just enjoying myself. Moved to Germany a year later and who has time for school when you are on a 3 year vacation, plus add in two pregnancies and now two toddlers later here I am. Back in school Igo. I decided I needed to buckle down and finish what I started.

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading and I hope I havent bored you to tears. Ill post a few pics and write more at a later time. : )

These two are the loves of my life. Connor and Cohen.

This is me and my Smokey Joe. He's such a sweet puppy.