TGIF

TGIF...Doesnt really apply to me, but Ill say it anyways. Matt has crazy working hours. He goes in about 430 in the mornings and gets home around 730 or 8 at night. Monday thru Saturday. So he has one day of rest. Me on the other hand am at home most every day, running errands here and there. I still seem to like the weekends the best.

Today hasnt been much of an exciting day. Straightened up the house some. (that seems to be a never ending battle) I finally sat down and wrote out two postcards to send to PostSecret. Didnt think I had anything really that interesting to say, but sometimes theres something that you think that just itches to get out but you dont want to say it to anyone.

Im sitting here watching a movie. I believe its called Everybody's Fine. Hopefully it will be pretty good. Since I am home most of the day, I have tons of time to think. I dont want to get too deep into details about my marriage. But its the biggest thing on my brain everyday.

Here is a little back history. Matt and I have been been married almost 5 1/2 years. We were high school sweethearts...really even before that. We started "going out" when we were in the 8th grade. Dated most of high school. After high school, I went off to college and Matt joined the Army. We stayed close friends but dated other people. I was engaged to another guy and for whatever reason, Matt and I ended up getting back together. He was deployed to Iraq from 2003-2004. We technically were "talking" again, but I guess we were open to talking to other people. He was injured in April of 2004 and was sent back to the states to recover. I guess it was then that we made it official. He stayed home for about 45 days and went back to Iraq. He came home with his unit in September of 04 and we got married the end of October. I moved out to Texas to be with him in November and that pretty much started our relationship.

I guess we rushed into getting married and didnt give ourselves enough time to adjust to being in a relationship after him being deployed to a war zone. After being in Texas about 6 months I discovered that Matt was still acting like he was single and chatting with other females online and trying to meet up with them. I confronted him about this and thought things were straightened out. Another 6 months went by and I found out that the stuff still hadnt stopped, he had lied to me about it and changed his passwords on his emails and such. Again it was something that we tried to work thru. We were getting ready to move to Germany after all of this and I found out I was pregnant with Cohen. I just assumed things were getting better. I even figured moving out of the country would prevent him from "cheating". It isnt as easy I would say. Well I was definitely wrong. I was in the hospital after giving birth to Cohen. Matt would come and visit me during the day but would go home in the evenings. We lived about 30 minutes from the hospital. After the couple of days in the hospital I came home to find out that Matt was still doing the same stuff on the computer. Every time I confront him. This happened a couple of more times that I know of. After a while you just start giving up. We were getting along, but there was a lot of stuff missing. I know Im no angel and have a lot to do with our marital problems, but a lot stems from his behavior and attitude.

I tried to forgive and forget. Moved on. We've been in Germany a couple of years now I guess and I now Im having Connor and Matt is deploying to Afghanistan. I moved back to the states for 6 months to have some help with Cohen while I was pregnant and giving birth to Connor. Matt came back from deployment when Connor was 3 months old. Im sure the war has a lot to do with emotions and such. But Matt is very stubborn and has a lot of tendencies like his father. If you guys only knew. Time continues to go by and we do a lot of our own things. He does his, I do mine. I dont like his parenting style most of the time. He seems to think that our toddler boys are not little boys they are soldiers and he treats them like that. That they should have been born to know right from wrong and obey all orders. Thats definitely not the case in this house. So we do a lot of arguing over that. We put on our smiling faces and push thru.

We finally get orders back to the US after three years in Germany. Im very thankful to be back. We moved in Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. Its definitely not my favorite place. Nothing is better than home, but it will suffice. Matt is on Drill Sgt orders here, so we will be here about 2 or 3 years. We were renting a house when we first moved here and decided on buying a house. Our issues are still ongoing but i complain to my mom about it and continue to live this way. After about 5 or so months of living here. I was online one day and got an email from an old b/f. We chatted about our families and how its been forever. Well our conversations continued and they grew and grew. We were, or I should say, I was falling for him. He made me feel happy again. He just seemed to have popped up at the most perfect time and was saying all of the right things that i needed to hear and I was seeing my marriage in a different light. It wasnt something that I wanted to be in for the rest of my life. Why settle with someone when you can be happy. I was/am settling. I want to live this great life and be happy and have someone around that enjoys my company and my childrens company, instead of complaining all of the time about how bad the boys are. My "relationship" with this other guy lasted a few months. We slowed down on the talking and now its about non-existent. I want to say its a good thing, but I miss him terribly. Matt and I are on the verge of divorce. I had all things planned out and we had come to terms about everything and what was going to happen. We kind of put it off, since we were getting a long a little better, but i dont know now. Im really trying to make things work and be happy. But the truth is, inside Im still not happy with my marriage. We have had a long list of things go wrong for us. Not saying we didnt have good times. We did and still do, but i dont know if thats enough to keep us going. Another truth is, Im still in love with this other guy. He doesnt share the same feelings and that is totally fine. But it puts my marriage in perspective. If I can have feelings and love for another person, then what does that say about where I am now. I shouldnt be here. I should be sorting everything out. I have been looking at jobs back in GA and wanting to move back, but honestly I dont know that i can afford living on my own with the boys. I just wouldnt make enough money in this economy to support us and have them in daycare fulltime. Its a very hard decision. I do think that if the boys werent involved, then i would have been gone a long time ago.

So thats where I am now. Sorry to ramble so much...didnt realize it was going to turn into such a long story. But once i started, off it went. Maybe Ill have some epiphany and things will magically work out the way they need to. until next time, I hope I havent bored you to tears....