Its been a while

I havent been in the blogging mood for a long while. I usually end up telling everyone on facebook what im up to daily, so really no need to blog about it. Especially since i dont think anyone reads this anyways. = )

I decided to get back on here and get some things off my chest and out of my head. Nothing that i really want plastered on my FB, but i just need to vent I guess.

I went for a job interview the other day. I am really hoping and praying that I get the job. I hate the thought of not being home with my boys, but it will be in the best interest for me and them. You see, Matt and I are still not right. There is no love in our marriage anymore. We act like friends that live together and co-parent the boys. Welll what you might call co-parenting. A lot of my issues with Matt have to do with his ways with our children. We also dont have much in common anymore. Seems like we disagree on so much, from religion to politics, adoption, friends, family. You name it and he feels the complete opposite that i do. Im not very big into politics and neither is he, so thats not a biggie really, but religion is something that hurts my heart when we dont see eye to eye. I know we are not going to see the same on everything, but when I believe in God and Heaven and Hell and he doesnt...that bothers me. Then adoption....Ive always thought in my mind that I would love to adopt a child at some point in my life. Matt opposes...He "does not want to raise someone elses problem". I feel terrible for children that dont have a family or someone to love them and it breaks my heart. Then today I received a graduation invite from one of his cousins. I told him that we would have to get a present or at least a gift card and send since we cant be there, etc. He asked why...and I said b/c its your family and its what you do. Then he begins on this rant of they never did anything for him, so why should he. I hate the way he thinks. It really pisses me off. Even to think about it. How can someone be so cynical? Dont even get me started on what he says about deploying again. For whatever reason we have had conversations in the past and recently about age and and death. I, of course, want to live until im like 150..lol He says he will be happy to make it to 50. That he thinks his next deployment is going to get him. That he wont make it back. How horrible is that to think?!? I ignore him when he talks like that. What am i supposed to say?

Anyways, so all of that combined really just bothers me. I am to the point of just not liking him as a person. Why do I want to be with someone that has such a negative outlook on life. He stays pissed off now b/c of the dogs. Delilah, the puppy is not housetrained. Its been a big struggle, she pees and poops wherever, whenever. So he gets mad at her. Then along comes Smokey, who is 6 years old and housetrained and a good dog, but now is marking and peeing where Delilah does. So thats another reason he is pissy all day long. I got mad at him today for being ugly to Delilah....that is the reason i decided to blog. Its all starting to add up.

Let me vent about his days off work. He is on block leave, which is like 2 weeks of vacation for him. He has spent most of it downstairs in the basement. Thats where his area of the house is. He has a bedroom, livingroom and bathroom down there. His xbox, big tv, and computer are all down there too. So he spends 95% of his time down there playing games, watching tv/movies and the like. The boys go down there some, but they for the most part spend it upstairs. He may come up every now and again to the kitchen. I truly believe that if there was a kitchen down there, we would NEVER see him. Its like we live in two different houses.

Since the beginning of our marriage we have had trouble sleeping in the same bed. It all started out okay...Matt snores terribly and would keep me awake all night, therefore I would constantly wake him to roll him over and move him in hopes he would quit snoring. So for the best interest of us both we decided to sleep in different beds. It has worked out for the most part. Every now and then we will try to sleep together and see if it works, but we are more comfortable apart. Then our marriage started going downhill and it made sense that we didnt sleep in the same bed. Now I have the master bedroom, bathroom and closet all to myself. He uses the downstairs for his own living. I really hate that my marriage has come to that. I want to be in a loving, happy marriage. Its just not working with him. I want to share a bed with my husband and feel like Im loved. Ive gotten to the point that I dont wear my wedding set anymore, we dont say we love each other anymore, and TMI.........................................we dont have sex anymore. I think we have had sex twice in the last year. We dont kiss each other, rarely hug. Its sad really....I know. I want normal back in my life. I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

what would make me happy you ask? Being around my family and being with someone that feels the way I do. Im hoping to get this job so that I can pay for my bills and honestly....move out. Right now, neither one of us can afford to get divorced. With the house, utilities, car and truck payments, and a couple of credit cards. It would take all i could make to live and support the boys, and then he would have to pay child support on top of trying to live on his own. It just wouldnt cut it.

I guess thats that for now. Ive ranted enough. I may add later that is bugging me that Ive forgotten at the moment.

Back to the drawing board

Last night wasnt the most fun of nights. Matt and I have an issue of communication. Together in the house, we basically do our own thing and take care of the boys semi-together. I usually deal with the boys more while Matt does what he wants. So, Ive mentioned earlier about the pornography I found on his computer. Well its an...every-time-i-leave issue now. I still havent said anything. I wanted to see if it was an isolated event. Its not, he now has about 10 or so websites saved on his computer. I have personal issues with porn. To each their own, but my marriage is not about that. We have talked about it before and he knows how i feel about it. So this isnt something that i feel thats just out of the blue. But back to last night. I was looking at some school stuff online and had facebook open. Matt was right near me and he noticed that I got a message from someone on facebook. He asked who i was talking to...so i asked him if he remember such and such. He said yeah....and I said he messaged me to see how I was doing. This was a guy that i "dated" in middle school. if you can even call it that. I havent talked to him since then. Happened that we had friends in common on facebook, so i messaged him and said long time no see...how have you been? This was days ago. He finally messaged me back last night and apoloigized for not writing back sooner and asked how i was. I told him that I lived in Missouri now, married and have two little boys. He told me about his wife and two little girls. We talked about Matt a lot and his career in the Army. then i had to go to get the boys ready for bed. When i told Matt who i was talking to, I told him what all we were talking about and he made the comment..."You arent going to start texting him are you?" I said, "No way, why would you even ask that?" He says because I did it last time that he doesnt want me to do it again. Now I know Im at fault for what he is talking about last time. But that was with one certain person. Not just every guy i know. Theres a difference. a big one. Well that comment ticked me off. I went to bed angry. Told him about it. He half apologized to me. If you can even call it an apology and he ended up falling asleep during the convo which ticked me off even more. I havent talked to him since. I dont know where all of this is headed now.

blah blah blah

I haven't really had much to blog about lately. Everything has kind of been at a stand still from when I last posted. Matt still doesnt know anything about his job. The Army likes to do things on their own time. So its a waiting game. Really is a bummer when it comes to "my" life. School is on hold until we know where we are going and what we are doing. We dont know if we are getting our house ready to sell or rent...or hanging out in it for a little while longer. On another note, Matt should be here for all of the doctors appointments we have lined up for the next coming months.

To start with...Cohen was born with a birth defect called Hypospadias. I think ive mentioned it before in my blog...but i cant remember off the top of my head. Anyways, quickly it is a birth defect of the penis. Typical the hole is at the tip of the penis and Cohens is slightly off a bit. Not too serious...seeing that sometimes it more extreme cases it can be on the underside of the penis. He looks like he was half circumcized at birth, but he was just born that way. He will have to have this surgically corrected. So after moving and moving...we think we are finally settled to have this surgery done. I finally got his referral info in the mail from our insurance to see a specialist. The thing with doctors and insurance they dont pay attention to little details. Cohen is a child...he needs to see a PEDIATRIC Urologist. They always want to send us to a regular one, and they dont mess with children. So i called the doctor they set us up with yesterday...gave them all of our information for her to then ask what he was being seen for. When i said Hypospadias, she said Im sorry we dont deal with those. Okay, off to the Tricare website to find my own doctor. I was having a hard time finding Pediatric specialist in the area. So i got to thinking about the Childrens Hospital in St. Louis. I googled them and found the names of doctors that worked there and their specialities. I found a couple of Pediatric Urologist and noticed they accepted Tricare. Went back to the tricare website and checked to see if their names were on the list. They were! So I called to see if they were accepting new patients and got all of that set up. Cohen has a doctors appointment on April 7th in St Louis. Its about 2 or so hours away, but he will be getting some of the best medical care and thats whats important to me. His doctor was voted one of the best doctors in america in the st louis times in 2009 and is one of 150 doctors in the US to have his certification. So that makes me very happy.

Then there is me and my doctors appointments. Cohens of course are way more important to me, but I have a doctors appointment on May 11th for a consult with a plastic surgeon to see if i am a good candidate for a breast reduction. A little background...I dont even remember when I first started wearing a bra. I swear I was born wearing one...lol. The smallest I can ever remember being was middle/high school wearing a 32DD bra. I was pretty consistent of wearing the same size up until I was an adult and got pregnant. I was dreading the whole pregnancy and big breasts. I gained a total of 50 lbs with Cohen and I think half of the weight went to my boobs. After Cohen was born I was wearing around a 34F. Letters I didnt even know existed in bra sizes. They never went down. I never breastfed either. So after 6 months I contemplated getting a breast reduction then. I talked to a doctor in Germany and a plastic surgeon there and was going to go thru with the process but decided to wait b/c we were thinking we wanted to have 1 more baby sometime in the future. So we went ahead and started trying to have another. Not too long after, I was pregnant with Connor. Gained another 50 lbs with that pregnancy. And again, more weight to the boobs that wasnt going anywhere anytime soon. After Connor was born I was wearing a 34G or so bra. I started losing weight and trying to get back down to my pre-pregnancy size. And i eventually did. I now weigh what I did when i was in high school and before either pregnancy. I am back to wearing a 32DD/E bra. But b/c of a lot of weight loss in my breasts, I have a ton of extra skin that makes up a lot of the reason why i wear a bigger bra. I HATE the way they look. My shoulders kill be along with the upper back and neck area. Clothes dont fit...I have to pay so much more to order bras, b/c you just cant buy things in this size at a typical store. I would happily like to be a large 32B or a small 32C. would make me a very happy girl. So i get to talk to a plastic surgeon in May to see if I qualify by insurance standards for a reduction.

Thats really all thats been going on lately. I dont live the most exciting life. = )

What!?! Germany!?!

Hello all. I havent written in a few days or so. Nothing exciting has really been going on. Same ol' stuff. Hanging around the house. Connor had his two year check up the other day. I really need to find the boys a good pediatrician around here. Right now they go to the base hospital/clinic. Thats who we were assigned when we moved here, its a family practice clinic. Well I dont like them. Most of them are PA's...and while I dont have a problem with that. These are little children who really should see someone with more experience with kids and someone they can build a relationship with. We never know which doc we might see when we go in. Anyways, So Connor is a few months late on his 2 year check up, which is no biggie. But he weighs in at 28.9 lbs. He's in the 49th percentile for his age. He is 37 inches tall now, which is around the 87th percentile for his age. Hes going to be tall and skinny. Completely different that his big brother. Cohen is 3 years and 9 months and he had a doctors appointment last week and while they were there, I asked them to check his height and weight. He is 50 lbs and thats about 95th-97th percentile for his age and he is 42 inches tall which runs the same 97th percentile. These percentages mean that they are bigger than that amount of children their age. Cohen has always been bigger than most kids his age. So thats, that. Both boys are healthy. Connor did leave the doc with some antibiotics for an ear infection he was starting to get. We didnt even know about it. He seems to be acting normal, just gets to take meds a couple of times a day.

Okay...Here is some important stuff. Matt and I have been discussing my schooling, his schooling, and everything in between. A little background info. We moved to Missouri for Matt to be a Drill SGT from Germany. We have been here a little over a year now. He was supposed to go to Drill school about 4 or so months after we got here, in the mean time he would be "turtling". Sorta like job shadowing. Well his date was cancelled and rescheduled for a later time. No biggie. He went to school in South Carolina and was there a few days, but didnt pass the PT test. Its so many sit ups, push ups, and a run. Well he missed the sit ups by like 4. So they sent him home. Well he has been here since then. He finally has a new date coming up in April. So this whole year he has been turtling and his drill time hasnt started. Once he goes to school, he has to be a drill for at least 2 years. Well for whatever reason, the Army says he is kind of wasting time here, so they are looking at moving him back to his Infantry job. So yesterday, I am completing my school application and filling out essay questions when Matt gets home from work....He asks what I am doing and I tell him. He asked if I could go to nursing school anywhere, or is that program just here. I said well I could go anywhere, but this certain program is just at this school. There are nursing programs everywhere though. He said he was talking to one of the guys and trying to get info, but his school date is probably getting cancelled in April and they will be moving us to a different base. Okay, so this is information I NEED to know. Im not about to shell out 145.00 for an application fee and testing fee if Im not attending. He said he would find out more when he goes back to work. Well today, he just sent me a text and asked how i felt about going back to Germany....and if I would go with him back. Thats a huge decision for me...and him. They have an open slot for him available if he wants it in Baumholder, Germany. We would probably leave around September or so. I just am soooo torn now. I have A LOT to think about. Wow, I was not expecting to ever go back overseas again. Its so amazing there, and I love it there. But its soo far from home. Ive never been to Baumholder. I know a little about it. I know they deploy a lot. So thats something else I need to think about. I do not want to be in Germany for a year or so when I could be home. And trying to fly home to see family with two boys and two dogs will just about be impossible by myself. UGH!! I just dont know.

Finished Bathroom...

Here are some pictures of the finished bathroom...Minus some wall decor. That will take me a little while to find pieces that I like and want to hang. I also have some candles that go around the tub, I just want different holders for them. I took these pics with my cell phone, so they arent the best quality. And I promise that the color looks so much better in person. I may try and use my digital camera and see if they take any better pics. we'll see.

Nosey Rosey

So that would be me...Nosey Rosey. I briefly posted about my marriage issues throughout the 5 years of my marriage. Ive always been kind of snoopy on Matts computer. He knows this. The first couple of years it was pretty bad. But i was finding stuff that really upset me so it gave me reason to keep checking up on him. I would tell him everytime i found something. Im not a very confontrational person...but in this case I was. Well we were doing better I guess. Or i just gave up looking...whichever you want to call it. I still had concerns he was still talking to people online and looking at pornography...which is where this blog is headed. He started deleting all of his history and such, so I couldnt find anything. I stopped looking for a long while. Well recently with our current divorce situation and all of that, i decided to look again. I found out he is back to looking at pornography or he never stopped and i just havent seen it. He does it before work while Im asleep and when Im not home. Thats been the most times ive seen it, when im not home. Ive had several doctors appointments recently where he has been home during the day from work, watching the boys and thats when hes online looking at porn. I dont know how to feel about that. Part of me cares, and part of me doesnt. The part that cares, is really only caring because he is looking at naked women while our boys are around and bc we are still married. He knows how i feel about it. Im definitely not a prude, I just think there is a time and a place for everything including porn. I havent said anything to him about it yet. Dont know if I will. And that brings me to the part of me that doesnt care. I dont know if i even care enough to say anything about it. I feel like it wont do any good except make him more aware that im checking up on him and he'll hide it better. My feelings are worn out and running thin. Its almost a giving up point again. I know a lot of people will disagree with my checking up but thats not a debate i want to make. It is what it is and I just need to figure out what I want to do with it.

Master Bathroom

So i started redoing my master bathroom. There wasnt anything wrong with it to begin with. The house is only 6 months old. But...builder grade material is really crappy and I hated they used cheap paint, especially in the bathroom where there is lots of moisture. I decided to paint the walls a brown color. Its called Pine Bark. With the cabinets and flooring i thought it might be too dark...but i love it now that its completely painted. I will post pics of it probably tomorrow after I get it all cleaned up and reorganized. I am using green and cream/yellow accents. I painted a white bathroom cabinet a creamy yellow color...i think its called Riesling. I have some green candles to put up and looking for some other accents to go in there. I have also found some light bamboo shades to go in the window. But right now Lowes is out of the size we need. I think its really going to turn out the way i have it pictured...at least i hope so! : )

I havent decided what room to start on next. Honestly, I dont really want to put a whole lot of money and effort into the house that we arent going to be living in forever....I know it will help in resale. But if you guys only knew the trouble we have had out of a 6 month old house youd be shocked. The builder/contractor here is something else. I would never tell anyone to use him...had we known about him and how he builds, we would have never bought this house. but what can ya do now? We are making a list of all the things that are wrong with the house and emailing it to the builder before our year homeowner warranty is out. per his request of everyone in the subdivision. Matt wants to go around and talk to our other neighbors to see if they are having issues like we are. We know a couple of them are...they were very open to us when we moved in that they were having problems. So we will see what happens.

If anything we will end up painting everything back to the original color we picked out...i think its called Pavillion Beige, just in a better paint.