Its been a while

I havent been in the blogging mood for a long while. I usually end up telling everyone on facebook what im up to daily, so really no need to blog about it. Especially since i dont think anyone reads this anyways. = )

I decided to get back on here and get some things off my chest and out of my head. Nothing that i really want plastered on my FB, but i just need to vent I guess.

I went for a job interview the other day. I am really hoping and praying that I get the job. I hate the thought of not being home with my boys, but it will be in the best interest for me and them. You see, Matt and I are still not right. There is no love in our marriage anymore. We act like friends that live together and co-parent the boys. Welll what you might call co-parenting. A lot of my issues with Matt have to do with his ways with our children. We also dont have much in common anymore. Seems like we disagree on so much, from religion to politics, adoption, friends, family. You name it and he feels the complete opposite that i do. Im not very big into politics and neither is he, so thats not a biggie really, but religion is something that hurts my heart when we dont see eye to eye. I know we are not going to see the same on everything, but when I believe in God and Heaven and Hell and he doesnt...that bothers me. Then adoption....Ive always thought in my mind that I would love to adopt a child at some point in my life. Matt opposes...He "does not want to raise someone elses problem". I feel terrible for children that dont have a family or someone to love them and it breaks my heart. Then today I received a graduation invite from one of his cousins. I told him that we would have to get a present or at least a gift card and send since we cant be there, etc. He asked why...and I said b/c its your family and its what you do. Then he begins on this rant of they never did anything for him, so why should he. I hate the way he thinks. It really pisses me off. Even to think about it. How can someone be so cynical? Dont even get me started on what he says about deploying again. For whatever reason we have had conversations in the past and recently about age and and death. I, of course, want to live until im like 150..lol He says he will be happy to make it to 50. That he thinks his next deployment is going to get him. That he wont make it back. How horrible is that to think?!? I ignore him when he talks like that. What am i supposed to say?

Anyways, so all of that combined really just bothers me. I am to the point of just not liking him as a person. Why do I want to be with someone that has such a negative outlook on life. He stays pissed off now b/c of the dogs. Delilah, the puppy is not housetrained. Its been a big struggle, she pees and poops wherever, whenever. So he gets mad at her. Then along comes Smokey, who is 6 years old and housetrained and a good dog, but now is marking and peeing where Delilah does. So thats another reason he is pissy all day long. I got mad at him today for being ugly to Delilah....that is the reason i decided to blog. Its all starting to add up.

Let me vent about his days off work. He is on block leave, which is like 2 weeks of vacation for him. He has spent most of it downstairs in the basement. Thats where his area of the house is. He has a bedroom, livingroom and bathroom down there. His xbox, big tv, and computer are all down there too. So he spends 95% of his time down there playing games, watching tv/movies and the like. The boys go down there some, but they for the most part spend it upstairs. He may come up every now and again to the kitchen. I truly believe that if there was a kitchen down there, we would NEVER see him. Its like we live in two different houses.

Since the beginning of our marriage we have had trouble sleeping in the same bed. It all started out okay...Matt snores terribly and would keep me awake all night, therefore I would constantly wake him to roll him over and move him in hopes he would quit snoring. So for the best interest of us both we decided to sleep in different beds. It has worked out for the most part. Every now and then we will try to sleep together and see if it works, but we are more comfortable apart. Then our marriage started going downhill and it made sense that we didnt sleep in the same bed. Now I have the master bedroom, bathroom and closet all to myself. He uses the downstairs for his own living. I really hate that my marriage has come to that. I want to be in a loving, happy marriage. Its just not working with him. I want to share a bed with my husband and feel like Im loved. Ive gotten to the point that I dont wear my wedding set anymore, we dont say we love each other anymore, and TMI.........................................we dont have sex anymore. I think we have had sex twice in the last year. We dont kiss each other, rarely hug. Its sad really....I know. I want normal back in my life. I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

what would make me happy you ask? Being around my family and being with someone that feels the way I do. Im hoping to get this job so that I can pay for my bills and honestly....move out. Right now, neither one of us can afford to get divorced. With the house, utilities, car and truck payments, and a couple of credit cards. It would take all i could make to live and support the boys, and then he would have to pay child support on top of trying to live on his own. It just wouldnt cut it.

I guess thats that for now. Ive ranted enough. I may add later that is bugging me that Ive forgotten at the moment.